By Lucy L Ford

For Christmas, the skipper gave me a voluminous pair of bright yellow, waterproof dungarees. A perfect match for the bright yellow, ill-fitting wellingtons purchased the year before. Whilst I might admit to domestic proportions that are more ample than are convenient for the skipper’s middle-aged fantasies – these would have fitted an elephant!
Doubtless they were purchased from the ‘bargain rail’ at the Boat Show.
“They’ll be just right for going out on the foredeck.”
Foredeck? Doesn’t he realise that I’m overdosing on adrenalin by the time my head appears above the companion way, and for five years I had panic attacks whenever he put the main up as well as the jib?
“Foredeck …yes dear … how very thoughtful …such a lovely colour!”
I have wondered whether having oilskins available in a range of more feminine colours than ‘voluminous yellow’, might encourage more women to go sailing … what about pink? Not that I am particularly fashion conscious but waddling down the pontoons in three sizes too big of ‘bright yellow’ is hardly the cat-walk experience that I dreamed of.
However my main objection to heavy-weather sailing gear is that it was designed by men, who have absolutely, no idea how impractical all that clobber is, when a woman needs the loo! Imagine sitting through those long 12-15 hour sea voyages, for hour upon hour, trussed up like an over large yellow chicken, until the pain in your bladder is so
excruciating that you just have to… go.
The ‘heads’ on our boat is on the starboard quarter, and you can guarantee that when ‘the time’ comes, we will be healed over at 45 degrees on the opposite tack. … But will he flatten out the boat for your comfort and convenience? No! Once you find yourself jammed in this stinking cupboard, the boat is slamming around so much that you have to brace your feet against one bulkhead and your back against the other. You then realise that before you can relieve the agonising pain, you will somehow have to get off these dreadful yellow dungarees.
No, voluminous, bright yellow waterproof dungarees were not exactly top of my Christmas list. Dan buoy; flares; emergency ladder; man overboard sling; life raft… might have been. In fact, anything that might calm this aquatic
induced insecurity that borders on neurosis: a map showing all the life boat stations… anything, just not, voluminous, bright yellow waterproof dungarees.
But there is of course an almost endless list of very expensive electronic ‘toys’ and other things which you can buy for him: chart plotter; Navtex; bow thruster; new engine; propeller; GPS; radar…
Thus over the years you contribute vast sums of generosity to this monetary ‘hole in the water’. Then, when at last you find that you have completed the skippers’ “needs-must-have” list; what does he do?
…He goes and sells the bloody boat!