Online forums – their kind of advice…

2019-05-13T08:03:56+00:00 April 26th, 2019|Kit, Yarns|0 Comments

Thread: Sea Knives

Sam Llewellyn

Asking an online forum for some simple advice? What’s that like then?  Asks Sam Llewellyn

8th January 0855
Seasailor McDodder. Mudd. Original Poster
I am off to the Boat Show, and I expect boat knife
manufacturers will be there in force. I need a knife for
cutting, cooking, defence, survival obviously, repairing the engine and doing my nails. I hate multitools, because my Granny was scared to death by one (she actually thought it was an insect). What’s the best?

8th January 0856
Enzo Rumamunga GCHQ, Cheltenham
Swiss Army Knives are great, but no good for cooking. There is one with 2712 blades apparently plus a magnifying glass and vacuum cleaner apparently but no fish slice. Apparently someone fell overboard with one of them in his pocket and apparently it took him to the bottom like he had a brick in his pocket and he drowned.

8th January 0931
Roger Cumley-Bunch, at sea
It is all very well coastal sailors saying Swiss Army knives are no good for cooking. This may well be true if your idea of a good feed at sea is a Waitrose curry in the ship’s microwave, you pansy. Ocean sailors, a community of which I have the good fortune and sheer brute courage to be a member, know that there is nothing like a majestic duff in a bucket for dinner. But sooner or later the duff stuff runs out. At this point I and almost all my friends turn to cannibalism. This is where the Swiss Army Knife comes into its own. Gutting, amputation, brain removal – there is a specialist dedicated tool for each. Oh, yes, certainly, we would be lost without the old Victorinox.

8th January 1005
Strom Pfaeffli, General, Swiss Army, The Matterhorn.
My attention has been drawn to a correspondence on this webforumdiscussiontopicentre happenink. Our military knife is entirely peaceful in intent, and the tools you mention are not for brain removal etc designed but for the repair of cuckoo clocks, also cheesemaking.

8th January 1013
Derek Crosspatch, no location given
I notice that the OP has ducked out of this conversation. He has got a nerve. Who the hell does he think he is, getting everyone to write in to help him and not writing back to argue? No seaman, obviously. Seamen don’t have nails.

28th January 0900
Weston Civilisationasweknowit, West Wittering
Mention of knives brings to mind steel, and steel of course brings to mind the guns forged by Krupp for the Schlieffen Plan, which so nearly brought western civilisation as we know it to an end in 1914. It behoves us one hundred years
on to remember the great British victory at Jutland, which saved western civilisation as we know it from the imprint of the jackboot on the beaches of Essex.

28th January 1029.5
Gottfried Himmelfart, Berlin
The British did not win the battle of Jutland, which was not called the battle of Jutland but the battle of the Skagerrak, and was won decisively by the Germans.

28th January 1032
Cynthia Rugely, in a bit of a state
I do not think it is fair to equate a battleship with a pocket knife.

28thJanuary 1033
Derek Crosspatch, no location given        
Why not, you idiot?

Today 0634
Cynthia Rugely, in a bit of a state
I just don’t.

Today 0635
Knacker of the Yard, Letsby Avenue, IOW
I knew this bloke who posts on forums under the name of Derek Crosspatch who used to sail a Westerly Centaur until he lost his rag stuffed the boat with gelignite and rammed it into the lock gates at Mudd Marina. Something to do with berthing charges, apparently. He is in the secure psychiatric hospital at Rampton now.

Today 0639
Derek Crosspatch, no address given
Broadmoor actually. Can nobody on this thread get anything right?

Today 1045
Seasailor McDodder. Mudd
I hate to interrupt, but actually I was going to the Boat Show and that was weeks ago? Because I thought there would be knife manufacturers there?

Today 1050
Jimmy Narked, Eastleigh
You’ll be lucky. Last year SWMBO and I went down there and spent £2401.63 on two pints of Guinness and a pie.

Today 1052
Barry n Chantelle, Basildon
I don’t know. We was down on the Baywatch stand because we are thinking of upgrading from the 37 (metre’s, not feet) to the 150 Ribbed Stimula. Lobster’s and bubbly all the way, and all we done was “buy the boat.” JJJ

Seasailor McDodder, Mudd.
Has anyone got any ideas about sailing knives?

Derek Crosspatch, no address given
You are hijacking the thread. Go away.


Sam Llewellyn is the editor of the Marine Quarterly